Dear Nahla,

It’s May 7th, 2019 and right now I’m sitting in fifth hour typing this to you. As of right now I’m feeling out of place. I’m so close to graduating and I’m just trying to pull through. My grades aren’t as good as they could be but at this point, I’m just over it. I’m falling down the rabbit hole of senioritis. I only have two grades to bring up so it shouldn’t be that challenging.  I’m on track to graduate of course but my grades are just lower than last semester. I know I’ll be good once school is over though. Mom and I are on the rocks again. She acts like she’s so disappointed in me because I’m choosing to go to Paul Mitchell (Cosmetology School). I can tell that she’s embarrassed of me because I’m not becoming a doctor like Aja..I’ll show her that I am capable of being successful though. I’m going to show everybody in the family that I will be great and that I’m capable of success. I’m scared of failing myself and of letting the people around me down. I have to understand that what I’m feeling right now is normal but that I’m on the path to success. I don’t have to go to a four year university to do well in life. I’m going to do what I was put on this earth to do. I’m going to live my life with no regrets. I will take NB ON THE SLAY globally and finish Paul Mitchell strong. This time next year I will be a Level 2 student and be a role model to those at Paul Mitchell. I know what I’m capable of. I refuse to let what Mom, nor the family thinks of me stop me. I am a bright, amazing young lady who is on the right track. The thing I’ll miss most about High School is this class. There will be no more mandatory blog post to write. These were so therapeutic for me. I’ll miss Mrs. Felix-Brown’s intriguing lectures and Ms.Spencer’s amazing spirit. I’ll miss them both as my teachers. They were the only two teachers I actually enjoyed and they changed what High School meant to me.

As of now I’m just trying to figure “Nahla” out. I want to be able to reach a point in my life where I am carefree. I can’t wait to be proud of who I am and stand with confidence. In five years I hope to be an amazing woman. I just want to be able to have pride in the life I live and be able to bless others. My question to myself in five years is, have you stopped caring what others think of you? Have you learned to stop people pleasing and start speaking up for yourself? Has PARTYNEXTDOOR came out of hiding? Is Lil Baby dead yet?

When you read this again, I hope you’ve turned all your dreams into reality. You deserve it after all the hard worked you’ve put in. I know that shop in Greenfield Plaza is probably booming. You have those glitter walls you’ve always wanted and all your booths are filled. Hell, at the rate you’re going you probably already expanded to the Eastside by now. Cheers to you and your success. I know you’ve worked so hard to be where you’re at now. I bet you and Antearo finally finished that house up by now. The both of you are so bright and can do amazing things! After all the two of you have been through, I know things have probably looked up for you two.

As of right now in the year 2019, I’m slowly just starting to figure it out. It’s still not figured out honestly but I’m being optimistic. I dream about the future everyday. How I will be able to wake up and finally be happy. To be able to live life without a care in the world. To finally be able to experience a family of my own and not yearn for that love anymore. You’ll only be 22 in five years but I have so many hopes for you. To have the child you’ve always imagined with Antearo and have your own little family. I hope you and mom are on better terms. She makes me feel so low about myself right now but maybe I’ll be so confident that her words won’t hurt anymore. I can’t wait to have the close friend I’ve always wanted. Who could come over and I could have sleepovers with. We could have double dates. Our kids could play together. Our husbands could be close friends. I can’t wait to be able to live life without my medicine and not struggle with anxiety anymore. My depression could leave me alone finally. In five years I want to have the heart of steel and pure as gold. I want to be the best in my career, the best mother, and the best wife. Some would say 22 is so young but I’ve experienced so much pain in my life. I’ve been through more than the average teenager. I’m turning all of the L’s I took in life into wins. This is only the beginning and I’m going to be successful. I will reach happiness.

I will stop doubting myself. I am capable of greatness. I will stop allowing negative people into my life. I will stop letting my peace be disturbed by toxic people. I will start becoming more confident in my looks. I will appreciate myself more and love myself a little longer. I will start promoting my brand with pride without carrying what others think. I will continue to work on myself and go to therapy. I will continue to work hard so that I’m five years I’ll feel a little more accomplished. I will continue to love Antearo as hard as I can. I will not count the days but, just make the days count.

 

How do you feel at this point in the school year? 

I’m extremely fed up. I just want to get the rest of my year over with and live the rest of my life. These past four years have been the most depressing years of my entire life. They’ve been filled with so much pain and struggle. I am tired. I’ve never truly liked Southfield and being here makes me want to smoke a cigarette. This school is full of toxic people and I can’t continue to be surrounded by that.

Describe senioritis

CHILE!!! This gif represents how I feel towards anything pertaining to school. I’ve had senioritis since I was in middle school! School and I do not get along whatsoever. My body and brain are over it. I’m ready to be free! I can barely get up and go. It takes every single fiber in my body to get me out of my warm bed. I require to many pep talks and motivation to get through the day. Graduation me PLEASE.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

I can’t wait to live my rich and successful life. I want to stunt on every single person who ever said anything negative about me. My foot is going to be on everyone’s neck who didn’t support me. I deserve to live a lavish lifestyle. Life isn’t all about money of course but, I just can’t wait to take care of my family and friends! If they want it, I got it!

 

Describe Yourself

To Mrs.Felix-Brown,

I’m praying for you regularly! You are one of my favorite teachers and you make English fun. I’m wishing you a speedy recover, get well soon! ❤️

Slowly finding the love for NahlaBee. 

These past four years have been HELL. I’ve cried, fought, and been so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. It’s been an emotional journey but I’m finally in a place where I’m feeling better. Like my mom says, the hard part is over. Since I was a freshman at North Farmington, I’ve been waiting for the year of 2019. High school changed me. It swallowed up “Nahla”, she became lost. My relationship with family, friends, and even myself was gone for so long. I’m so happy that I’ve finally formed into Nahlabee. Nahla is long gone. I lost myself a long time ago but I’m coming back. I’m taking the steps to finally love myself. I can’t wait to reconnect with friends that I’ve fallen out with and even meet other people. I’m finally living for myself and not following the crowd. Times a few years ago I couldn’t even think for myself. I live for ME now. I think for MYSELF now. This emotional journey is finally coming to an end. I can feel my life filling with happiness. It’s been a long time coming but good things happen to those who wait. Nahlabee is confident, she is strong. She stands behind her opinions and decisions with pride. She may fall but god is forever beside her. Nahlabee will not fail. She will walk by faith and not by sight. Thank god that I’m slowly finding the love for Nahlabee.

 

 

Lil Baby- “Vision Clear” 

This song has been on repeat for me since junior year. I can play this when I’m in any kind of mood. I enjoy Lil Baby’s music because he raps a lot about the times before he was famous. You could say I’m definitely a fan of his music. “Vision Clear” reminds me of when I first got my car. I’d be so excited when this song would play on my new speakers. It represents my situation when it comes to the “people on my side”. I don’t have anyone in my circle anymore. The friends I thought would be around don’t even show up anymore.

Lloyd – “Tru”

Tru is usually a song that I’ll play when life has gotten the best of me. As people, it’s very easy to take for granted how great our life truly is. This song is almost like a reality check for me. It’s honestly a very emotional song. Lloyd mentions in the beginning that he’d lost so much. It just really gets me in tune with my emotions. I typically listen to it when I’m in my feelings. Lloyd is a really good artist and he’s so underrated. It reminds me of the morning before school I’d just play this thinking, ‘it could be worse”.

Sparkle – “We are Ready”

This song was played at the end of “Surviving R Kelly” and I instantly fell in love with it. It made me feel hopeful that even through the worst situations, there is hope. I could feel the emotion throughout this song and the pain Sparkle experienced. Sometimes this song actually makes me cry. I sing this song whenever I’m down. It’s so relatable because women go through so much. I feel so empowered listening to this. All that I go though it just reminds me to keep pushing through.

 

Ariana Grande – “Thank u, next”

This was an extremely popular song and it makes sense why. It makes me feel so powerful as a woman. Men tend to think they are so in control and that they’re so important when they’re not. Ariana states that although things with previous boyfriends ended, she’s still thankful for the experience. She learned to love herself more and thats a message all girls need to hear. We need to practice more self love and stop depending on a man to love us. Period.

https://soundcloud.com/jhene-aiko-1/jhene-aiko-new-balance-rough

Jhene Aiko – “new balance”‘

I LOVE this song. Jhene Aiko is one of my favorite artist. Her voice is so angelic and smooth, it brings me so much joy. This song reminds me of New Years Eve. I made my boyfriend a video with clips from us throughout the entire year. This song makes me smile and feel all warm inside.

I am the broken girl still trying to pick up the tiny little pieces.

I wonder if I’ll ever truly love myself and be drenched in wealth

I hear voices telling me I don’t give “Nahla” enough credit but honestly I just feel like a debit. A declined debit.

I see a girl but I don’t see me. When I look in the mirror I ask: who is she?

Not living in my truth or knowing my worth.

I want success but I’m realizing that reality hurts.

I am the broken girl still trying to pick up the tiny little pieces

I pretend my hands aren’t bleeding but I can feel the pain. I touch the broken glass as if it is snow. I may be bleeding but I will not let is show.

I worry that no one cares. They see the broken girl but don’t help pick up the pieces. It’s a cold world so no ones cares if I’m bleeding.

I cry because the pain is so vivid but I have to pretend as if I’m okay.

I am the broken girl still trying to pick up the tiny little pieces.

I understand that life is hard and there are plenty of broken girls like me.

But man is it hard when this is MY reality.

I say that I am strong but do I really believe it or not?

I dream to be a beautiful successful woman who makes everyone proud.

I try to make my parents happy but honestly, I’m not happy.

I hope one day I can live in my truth and give a damn if anyone supports me.

I am me. I am the broken girl still trying to pick up the tiny little pieces.

Dear Antearo Ciemare Epperson,

A year ago we were sitting on the bus, coming back from OTECH of course. It was the first of December when our beautiful journey truly began. The cool air was crisp and winter was slowly approaching. It was a dreadfully long bus ride forcing the majority of us on the bus to talk. I didn’t know much about you but I always had some sort of feeling about you. Was it the feeling of god telling me to talk to you? Was it a warning sign? To this day I’ll never be certain of what the feeling was but I do know I made one of the greatest decisions I’ve ever made in my life. I remember when the sun shined on your face as we talked to each other. It was a bus full of students and it felt like it was just us. Everything moved in slow motion, it felt like something out of a movie. Had I not made up a silly excuse to get your Snap chat I don’t know where I’d be my love.

To think a year ago my life was headed straight to self destruction. I take that back, I had already been in self destruction. I eventually lost hope in myself and it wasn’t anyone I could truly turn to. I was involved in the wrong crowd , doing things I had no business doing. Involved with people who didn’t have my best interest and sucked the joy out of my life. You see, back in November of 2017 I didn’t even have a grip on my life. I had barely a 2.0 and I hardly even cared about school. I didn’t care about anything around me. Life had gotten the best of me. If I wasn’t drowning myself in alcohol I was zoning myself out with marijuana. It’s like I didn’t know who I was anymore. My depression was at an all time high and if I haven’t met you I don’t know where I’d be. As soon as I met you that chapter closed in my life, hell the whole book got thrown away.

Enough about my hardships, this is dedicated to you. You are an angel sent from up above. Shout out to Crystal and Anthony cause they raised an amazing son. You’re nothing short of amazing even the times when you’re having a bad day. Antearo, you’re the kindest person in the world. It hurts me each time you say “who heals the healer?” because it’s nothing short of the true. Who’s the one to come rescue you from a bad day? To have as much patience with others like you do?  You’re the most caring person but who cars for you? My dear I’m sorry for the times when I wasn’t there for you or when your cries for help weren’t heard. Antearo you are there consistently in a way no one else ever has been. We have flaws in our relationship, I mean come on we’re yin and yang! That doesn’t stop us from having such a radiant relationship.  I remember the time I could hardly open up to you and now I run to tell you everything. When I met you, I met my best friend. You dug me out of the deep hole I buried myself in. Although what you’ve done doesn’t make up our whole relationship, I am blessed to be with someone like you.

I remember when we had our first date at the Rivera. You worked  really hard on your landscaping all for $100 just so we could enjoy our night at the movies. You’re the most kind hearted individual I’ve ever met. That was one of the best nights I’d had in the longest. You brought so much confidence into my life. Which is why the art work down below is attached. I was once a lost soul and now I truly feel free. My life has clarity and meaning because of you. You helped me find it in myself. I still struggle with a lot of insecurities but knowing I have you to assure me things will be ok, that’s the greatest feeling. The Jamba Juice photo is attached because if it wasn’t for the silly conversation we’d had on December 1st, there just might not have been “Natearo”. I feel we are like the roses who grew from concrete. We’ve been through so much but don’t let that break us.

Thank you for bringing my life so much clarity. For giving me the courage to be a better me. All those late nights spent talking and figuring each other out. I live for those Antearo. I appreciate you always being there. Your love came easy even times when I’m hard to love. You call me beautiful even when I’m stuffing my face with food and my bonnet on. I can be myself around you, it’s no hiding who I am anymore. You brought the real me out again. The person I was afraid to once be due to judgment. You love me Nahla for Nahla and I will always thank you for that. What you do is never forgotten. Thank you.

– Nahla

This past October all I wished to do was escape.  To get away from life for awhile and not have to deal with the daily responsibilities and pressure from work and school. If I could travel anywhere, I’d take a trip to Aruba. I’ve always heard great things about it and I’ve been dying to leave the country for once! To have the warm sun brush up against my skin. I’d try new foods and go to the beach. To simply forget about whatever worries I had before going on a well needed vacation. I’d bring my boyfriend, Antearo with me on the trip. The two of us spend most of our days getting so stressed over school and work. If we were able to spontaneously hop on a plane and arrive in Aruba, it’d be almost breathtaking. I’d over pack for the trip as always. I would bring a couple of my handcrafted wigs so I had options while there and a Canon camera. I’d want to capture a few moments while there. Once in Aruba, we’d snooze for almost the whole day. The jet lag due to the long and uncomfortable plane ride would leave us restless! After finally sleeping the jet lag away, I think I’d practically live at the beach. I’d want to stay in one of those beautiful bungalows so I could hear the water at night. Oh how I’d enjoy a trip to Aruba. Life gets incredibly rough and to unwind with the person I admire the most would be amazing

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The highlight of this October would be spending Sweetest Day with Antearo. He gives me what no amount of money can buy. I wanted to show him how much he was appreciated during Sweetest Day weekend. That Friday afternoon the two of us drove to Sandusky, Ohio and enjoyed the night at Cedar Point: Halloweekends. Antearo and I had just gotten our first checks from job, Mission BBQ. They only were total about $300 and of course we didn’t have much money to spend. We didn’t let that stop us though! That night at Cedar Point we had so much fun. That was the most fun I’d had in a long time. I was so scared of the people dressed in those spooky costumes. I clung onto Antearo’s arm probably the whole entire night while screaming in fear. The trip to Cedar Point was needed after being in school for just about two months. I’ve been so stressed lately and the small trip really took off a lot of my stress. That Saturday (Sweetest Day) I got up early and picked Antearo up and surprised him with breakfast. Let him tell it, he knew I was taking him. I guess I’m not the best at surprises. While at breakfast I realized that a girl that I’m not to fond of worked there. In all honestly it left a bad taste in my mouth so I didn’t have much of  an appetite while at breakfast. At least Antearo enjoyed his breakfast. That Sunday we went to our co worker’s gender reveal (IT WAS A BOY!!) and then enjoyed the rest of our night at the movies. We saw the film, Small Foot and I’ve got to say it was amazing. That was the best weekend I’ve had in years almost. My happiness is spending time with my favorite person, eating delicious food, and movies. I also found out I literally love gender reveal parties! I almost cried.

I’m sharing this story of that weekend because it increases my happiness. To see my boyfriend smiling at the gifts I’d gotten him, and watching him enjoy his food. That’s my happiness. To watch soon to be parents excitedly cheer over the gender of their baby. That’s what makes me smile. To be able to recline back in a comfortable movie chair and watch a movie. That’s what bring me joy. I learned so much more about myself that weekend simply by going out, experiencing life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

September. This month has essentially been very bittersweet. Throughout the month  I’ve felt as empty as a robbed room. In my previous blog post I mentioned that I am a senior in high school. As a small child I’d always yearned to be in high school. I’d always wanted to be older then what I was. Now that I’m finally on the last chapter of high school, it’s as if I’d rather be a young child again. To be able to have my dad pack me Uncrustable Pb&J sandwiches with Oreo’s in a zip lock bag. To look forward to being tucked in every night by my mother. Even the thought of graduating high school gives me chills. September. An eye opening month which should really be called, “Welcome to adulthood”. I’ve spent much of this bittersweet September juggling between colleges to apply to. It’s been a month of confusion and emptiness that I can’t quite shake. I’ll be finishing up my FAFSA application by the time this blog is posted. How I wish I could have nap time again or go to recess to regroup. I’ve truly had a hard time accepting that my days as a “kid” are numbered. Hence, why I mentioned me feeling so empty throughout this month. On the bright side, I’m excited to start this new journey. College is a handful from what I’ve heard but, success isn’t just handed to you. I’m hoping to be able to go out of state for college because man is it a change that I need! Life is just getting started and although I’m terrified, I can’t wait for this. SUCCESS STARTS HERE!

It’s scary to think that a year from now high school will only be a distant memory.  I guess I’m simply stuck on the fact that life indeed is short. The days move so fast, weeks fly by, and before we know it, it’s been a year. September has also been nice I can admit. I finally got my license after a couple fails and the freedom has been sweet. Sweet like that delicious ice cream sandwich I had a few days ago. Finally being able to drive new places and explore new things make the bitter feeling of growing up..Sweet.

Welcome to my blog!

“If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.”